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## The definitive lost-in-the-couch solution. (**Note**: This Shortcut is _currently in BETA_ and requires iOS 14.5 Beta 8 in order to replicate the function demonstrated above.) **THIS VERSION INCLUDES PROFANITY** If you’re a potential tester who would prefer a clean version, _please do contact me_ via the methods below. I appreciate your interest and want to accommodate you any way I can. The idea for this Shortcut dates back to iOS 12 Beta - when I first encountered Siri Shortcuts. For whatever reason, it didn’t take long for me to want a sort of call-and-return Shortcut for those (far too numerous) cases when I’d left my iPhone somewhere obscured in the room. ### Marco! as it stands is a 48-action Siri Shortcut designed to be triggered by Hey Siri! in the event of a lost phone. In this full, original version, **you’ll hear my actual voice** at the beginning, followed by a short song sample, and then a variety of shenanigans narrated by the new Siri Voice 2. ### Here are the steps in full: 1. Turn Low Power Mode OFF 2. Turn Airplane Mode OFF 3. Turn Wi-Fi On 4. Turn Bluetooth On 5. Set brightness to 100% 6. Turn Do Not Disturb OFF 7. Turn appearance Light 8. Set playback destination to iPhone 9. Set volume to 89% 10. Vibrate device (Not currently working.) 11. Play **my voice** saying “Polo!” + a few other items 12. Toggle (flash) the flashlight 17 times (odd number leaving your flashlight on constantly unless it was on before the Shortcut was triggered) 13. Play a clip of Nasenbluten’s “[Blinded](https://bloodyfistrecords.bandcamp.com/track/blinded)” 14. **Siri Voice 2 Monologue #1** including GPS Lat/Long and Altitude (yes, I realize this isn’t particularly useful.) 15. Default notification sound plays 3 times 16. **Siri Voice 2 Monologue #2** is a theatrical reading of the infamous [Navy SEAL Copypasta](https://knowyourmeme.com/memes/navy-seal-copypasta). 17. Plays a farewell in **my voice** 18. Shows a goodbye notification 19. Plays the entirety of Sarah MacLachlan’s “[Angel](https://song.link/us/i/290584107)” *** ## Contact * [Email](mailto:davidblue@extratone.com) * [Twitter](https://twitter.com/NeoYokel) * [Mastodon](https://mastodon.social/@DavidBlue) * [Discord](https://discord.gg/0b9KQUKP858b0iZF) * [*Everywhere*](https://www.notion.so/rotund/9fdc8e9610b34b8f991ebc148b760055?v=c170b58650c04fbdb7adc551a73d16a7)...
Hopefully, we’ve now done our best to address whatever configuration the device may have been and fully prepared it to be annoying as fuck. (Additionally, we’ve ideally prepared your phone for *other means of retrieval* like… Asking your wife to call it.)
FlashlightLevel
1
I mean; I'm probably just under the fucking couch but whatever I guess I'll just do this; This is Siri, being helpful Siri! Helpful Siri wants you to know that your cellular telephone is currently at coordinates [22 Latitude] by [23 Longitude]; altimeter[24 Altitude]; Yeah...I don't think it's been working since just after iOS 12 came out. I'll give it a nice jolt when you're done stumbling around like an idiot and ready to just get over here and help me; I! Am! Right here!
SpeakTextVoice
com.apple.ttsbundle.gryphon-neural_simone_en-US_premium
Text
[25 Text]
Well! Since we're in this situation, and you need me to keep talking, I assume, I think I'll take the opportunity to perform a dramatic reading of an absolute internet classic! All quiet in the auditorium, please!; "The Navy SEAL Copypasta;" As performed by Siri Voice 2;
SpeakTextPitch
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SpeakTextVoice
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SpeakTextRate
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SpeakTextLanguage
en-US
Text
[30 Text]
What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little bitch? I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Navy Seals, and I’ve been involved in numerous secret raids on Al-Quaeda, and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I am trained in gorilla warfare and I’m the top sniper in the entire US armed forces. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me over the Internet? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of spies across the USA and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You’re fucking dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that’s just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the United States Marine Corps and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the continent, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little “clever” comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit fury all over you and you will drown in it. You’re fucking dead, kiddo.
SpeakTextPitch
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SpeakTextRate
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SpeakTextLanguage
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Text
[36 Text]
Input
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NotificationActionBody
Bye bitch :(
NotificationActionTitle
Fuck.
NotificationActionSound
false